Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
