I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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