Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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