Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
