And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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