I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
