evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
