i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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