went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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