No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
