the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
