I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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