how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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