the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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