Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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