i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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