Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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