i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
