omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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