I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Randomize
