I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
