I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
