she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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