somebody snuck up and got me drunk
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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