a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
