why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
