I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
