If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
