i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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