So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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