Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
