He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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