3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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