he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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