my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
