I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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