dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
