um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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