rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
