FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
and you fell through a lawn chair
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
