i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Randomize
