i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
