Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
