I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
