you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
