I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
