don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You left your underwear on the fireplace
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
