I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
