That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
