if you like me you must not know who I am
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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