please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
