he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
My cat gives me a boner
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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